To Baby or Not to Baby
I have now been married for over one month. Not much has changed besides I wear an extra ring, my last name is Service, I got a really long break from work, and people are done asking me about wedding plans and have now moved on to asking about BABIES.
Whoa, that was fast.
I’ve always accepted that I would have kids. Like most girls, I assumed I would be happily married by age 21 with 2 kids, a boy and girl, by age 26. My husband and I would be wealthy, but not rich because we don’t want our kids to be too spoiled, and we’d live in some very vintage/modern remodeled 1920’s home near the city (but not too close to the city) because the suburbs are lame.
Now I’m 27 and married (ayyyyy!!), but without kids and living in fucking MINNETONKA in a house built in the 1980’s. We have a fake speakeasy which I guess is sort of vintage and our laundry/dryer combo were likely purchased when the house was built so there’s that too. We also have 3 cats which I admittedly occasionally refer to as my children. I have a hard enough time cleaning their litter boxes every single night that I can’t believe people are actually asking me when I am planning to bring another completely dependent, highly active pooper into this household.
Our life is a joke
I’m assuming because I have ovaries, I can’t help but wonder too! As I assume how parenthood actually is, thinking about having a child is a combination of extreme excitement and absolute terror. I go back and forth, one day thinking I would make an amazing mother and the next thinking how completely overwhelmed and wrecked I would be. You grow up being told that children are miracles and mommies are amazing. Then you literally spend ten years watching Teen Mom, accepting that having a child is the most horrible thing that can happen to someone. It ruins relationships! It makes people cheat! You lose your friends! Every father is a low life! Your body falls apart and the only way you can think about getting it even close to normal again is by getting an MTV show so you have enough money to get multiple surgical procedures!
My view has shifted slightly, as now some of my friends are embarking on the journey of parenthood. This means, I see a lot of Instagram and Facebook posts of babies wearing shirts that say things like “I’m milk drunk!” or “My aunt is hot!” with captions about how exhausting being a parent is. But they never fail to always end with something like “but it is SO worth it” or “I wouldn’t change it for the world.”
Oh my god, this is so complicated! I’m bombarded with messages of “wait until you’re ready and it will be fine” combatted with “but don’t wait too long or it really won’t be fine. Your biological clock is ticking.” “You want to wait until you’re financially secure and have done all of the things you really want to do” with “but you don’t want your parents to be too old to enjoy their Grandkids, do you?”
“They are the absolute best thing that ever happened to me” but “once you have kids, your life is over.”
I know, it is entirely our decision when, how, and if we have kids. I don’t necessarily feel pressure from anyone besides myself to one day conceive, and that stems from a super biological feeling of just truly wanting to be a mother someday. But what I find myself asking lately is will I ever be ready? Is someone every truly ready? Just because I don’t feel entirely ready, does that mean I am not capable?
I’m not sure, but I know for a FACT I am not ready at all right now. Thanks to my good friend birth control I will not be attempting to get pregnant any time soon. But I’m sure as more of my friends and family get pregnant, and as I reach the dreaded “geriatric pregnancy” age, these questions and feelings will only get stronger. My hope is that my mom and dad friends (like, my friends that are mom and dads, not my mom and dad’s friends, sorry guys) will be completely open with me. I’ve watched my brother become a father and that’s helped me get a better look into the happiness, and hardship, that comes with being a parent. But it’s amazing how different every baby is, how different every person’s reaction to parenthood is, and how different every person’s reaction to different STAGES of parenthood is. I can only hope I will continue to learn from others and one day my head will catch up to my heart.
We could always just steal my nephew!
Sidenote: Ironically, I wrote this on a 9-hour flight and many of those hours were vocally accompanied by a toddler screaming in a rhythmic pattern that made me want to jump out the window.