Not Sweatin’ for the Wedding
Almost 2 years ago, Spencer and I got engaged. Sometime around then, I also started my Intuitive Eating journey. Timing is important people!
Nothing made me more aware of diet culture than getting engaged. I thought a wedding day would be about bringing the people you love most together, to celebrate love! Plus dry chicken and green beans and an obscene amount of red wine. But according to the media, weddings are all about being the best you!! But the best you needs to be really skinny and toned. The best you needs to wear really high heels and lots of makeup and not eat carbs.
I understand that everyone isn’t dying to look like a different human on their wedding day, but if I had a penny for every wedding diet I saw on Pinterest or for every time a bridesmaid or guest told me “they’re done with bread until the wedding,” I’d have enough money to actually pay for my goddamn wedding. The best was a promoted ad I got on Facebook that was a pair of what looked like velour sweatpants that said “sweating for the wedding” on them. Like even if working out a potentially unhealthy amount to look a certain way for ONE DAY is ok, why is it something you would ever want to flaunt on a pair of sweatpants? Also, who actually works out in velour sweatpants?
Don’t get me wrong, I think striving to be your best self on your wedding day is great, and what that means for you could be entirely different for me. But I know the best version of myself is in fact not the skinniest version of myself. It is not the most “clean,” or toned, or sugar-free version of myself. In fact, that version of myself kind of sucked the big one.
At my lowest weight a few years ago, I was a very unhappy version of myself. Any situation involving drinks or food brought me extreme anxiety. And surprise- eating and drinking is kind of a huge part of living. I hopped from one extreme diet to the next, often with binging cycles in between. Food literally consumed my thoughts. And no, not in the like “I can’t wait for Punch Pizza tonight” kind of way. In a, someone is literally in my head bothering me every 5-10 minutes asking when the next snack or meal is appropriate kind of way. Like a little devil poking me, “Can I eat yet? Can I eat yet?” I had anger and resentment for everyone around me who was “allowed” to eat whatever they want. My biggest moments of joy were when I allowed myself a cheat meal, or a cheat day, or when someone complimented me on how I looked.
And to be honest, I got A LOT of compliments. As the chubby kid, I felt like I was proving every single person around me wrong when they told me I looked good. And the compliments were constant. Which made me want to diet more, and show off more. It also meant whenever the scale went slightly up, or my stomach appeared slightly jigglier, my entire day could be ruined. I saw any apparent “step back” as an enormous failure, which made it really hard to just do the basic shit that comes with life. Like focus on work, relationships, or the JOY that comes with food and drink.
Yet, my immediate thought when I got engaged was that I should try just a few more diets. I can “let myself go” after the wedding. That I needed to look my best and my best was what the media defined as my best. That people wouldn’t be proud- in fact they would be ashamed of me- if I showed up to my wedding day fat.
Surrounded by my favorite ladies on our big day
But I made it! I made it to my wedding day without ANY dieting. It’s really unfortunate that that is an accomplishment these days, but it is, and I am PROUD. I took care of myself in the way that works best for me. I honest-to-God ate anything my body wanted. Somedays that was zucchini and Brussels sprouts and other days that was pizza and ice cream. I worked out my usual 5-6 days a week, occasionally falling into over-exercise patterns from the past that I am now pretty capable of recognizing and stopping. But I was rarely working out to make up for something I ate or to punish myself, and most of the time it wasn’t even with the intention of changing my body. I was working out because it makes me feel good, it clears my head, and fills my day with energy.
The year leading up to your wedding is an exciting one, filled with parties, showers, happy hours, and brunches. I am so glad I was able to enjoy every minute of each and every celebration. I was able to soak up important time with family and friends and not focus on how many desserts were left at the potluck table or counting how many calories I had saved up during the week.
The smirk of someone who planned a wedding and still ate lots of cookies in the process
I don’t know exactly how others perceived me on my wedding day, but I’m learning how unimportant that is to my happiness. I know how I felt on my wedding day and that was fucking amazing! I felt beautiful, I felt loved, and I felt special. Not once did I wish I looked tighter, smaller, tanner, or bigger-boobed. And because I have been working on my relationship with food for the past year or two, I was able to focus entirely on myself, Spencer, and all my loved ones.
And despite the food being pretty awesome (we had burgers, donuts, and a cookie dough cake), it barely had my attention.
Ok, it had SOME of my attention :)
I’m a lucky gal!